Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Understanding the Cycle and How to Break Free
We all have goals healthier relationships, success at work, feeling more confident, or simply being happier. Yet sometimes, right when things are going well… we pull back, procrastinate, pick fights, overthink, miss opportunities, or give up altogether.
This is called self-sabotage and it’s more common than you think.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage happens when our actions work against our own goals. It’s not laziness, weakness, or a lack of willpower it’s usually a protective response driven by fear, past experiences, or beliefs we hold about ourselves.
Common forms of self-sabotage include:
- Procrastinating even when something is important to you
- Walking away from healthy relationships or picking toxic ones
- Overcommitting and burning out
- Perfectionism “If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all”
- Negative self-talk like “I always mess things up” or “I don’t deserve this”
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
1. Fear of Failure “What if I can’t do it?”
If we don’t try, we can’t fail. For many, avoiding discomfort feels safer than risking disappointment.
2. Fear of Success “What if I can, and everything changes?”
Success can bring new expectations or responsibilities. Even good change can feel overwhelming.
3. Low Self-Worth
If deep down you don’t believe you deserve happiness or success, your actions may unconsciously align with that belief.
4. Familiar Chaos Feels Safer Than Calm
Sometimes we stay in situations that are painful because they’re predictable. Peace, stability, or kindness can feel unfamiliar, even unsafe.
5. Childhood Experiences and Trauma
Growing up without emotional safety or support can teach us that love, achievement, or vulnerability lead to pain. As adults, we protect ourselves the only way we learned by shutting down, pulling away, or sabotaging our own progress.
How to Stop Self-Sabotage
1. Notice the Pattern Awareness Is Step One
Ask yourself:
- When do I usually get in my own way?
- What feelings come up when things start going well?
- What am I afraid might happen if I do succeed?
2. Challenge the Story You’re Telling Yourself
Thought: “I’m going to fail anyway.”
Reframe: “I can try, learn, and grow. I don’t need to be perfect.”
3. Start Small and Build Trust With Yourself
Set gentle, realistic goals like making one phone call, sending one email, or taking a 10-minute walk. Small wins teach your brain: I can trust myself.
4. Learn to Sit With Discomfort
Growth is uncomfortable and that’s okay. You don’t need to run from it or numb it. Try deep breathing, grounding your senses, or simply naming the feeling: “This is anxiety. It will pass.”
5. Consider Counselling
This isn’t something you need to fix alone. A therapist can help you:
- Understand where your self-sabotage comes from
- Heal old beliefs about your worth
- Build self-compassion and healthier coping tools
- Learn how to allow good things without fear
You’re Not Broken You’re Protecting Yourself the Only Way You Learned
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means a part of you is trying to keep you safe. The good news? You can learn new ways to feel safe that don’t involve holding yourself back.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Counselling can help you understand where these patterns come from, heal the beliefs that keep you stuck, and build a life you don’t feel the need to run from.