Why Doesn’t My Wife Want To Have Sex: Expectations vs Reality
By Christina Fenske
So your wife doesn’t ever seem to want to have sex, and your trying to figure out why. You’ve probably noticed some of the following:
- “She never initiates sex.”
- “She always says she’s too tired.”
- “She says I only touch her when I want sex.”
- “She mentions that she feels like a piece of meat.”
There is sadness, fear, and some hopelessness underlying these complaints which are typical. Some men may even ask themselves, “Is my wife attracted to me?”, “Does she not love me anymore?”, or “Am I stuck in this marriage without sex?”.
You’re Probably Asking Yourself, “What Can You Do About It?”
Honestly there is likely multiple things that are causing your wife to avoid being intimate with you. You may want to know what you can do about it. Well, this is likely not a new situation if you’ve been together for many years so it’s time to get real with yourself. I often invite my clients to challenge their beliefs and expectations about what they’d like their sex life to look like. This challenge can be work but if you want you sex life to improve and be more fulfilling it’s time to get to work.
To understand how women think differently, let’s look at these honest truths listed below:
- Unlike Most Men Sex Isn’t Always On Her Mind
Frequently, quite a few women find that there trying to manage many different roles which sometimes conflict with their every day responsibilities. That’s why they call it, ” Double Duty” because some women are trying to juggle being a mother, keeping the house clean, demands of a career, family, friendships, and your marriage. While trying to do it all, women can feel tired after a long day, find it hard to relax, and have limited time left in the evenings to feel or grow her sexual desire, let alone feel like wanting to actively do something about it. When all is said and done sex can feel like another task or her long list of things she already has to do, that she may or may not want.
According to Dr. Emily Negoski, who is the author of “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” a women’s brain is her most powerful sex organ. She talks about the brain as being the “accelerator pedal” which reacts to positive sexual stimulation and when she puts on the “brakes,” it’s because she is not motivated to have sex for many reasons. This could be because her brakes are far more sensitive than a man’s. A woman is unable to even think about having sex and may put a halt to sex completely when she has too much on her mind, too many responsibilities, and far too much stress.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What Can I Do About It
There is something you can do about it. You can help out with taking care of the kids so she can have time to herself, and you can help with doing household chores. Check with her to find out what you can do to around the house, if you’re having problems figuring that out. Most domestic chores are done by women according to the research so the more you can assist, the less burnt out she’ll feel. Help with cooking supper, doing laundry or even driving your kids to activities.
Some women really want to be asked about their day and have someone really listen and pay attention to them. Showing genuine and sincere care can take win you points.
Try sitting down with her to explore what may be stopping her from wanting to have sex and feeling aroused (these are the brakes). Find out what helps her to feel calm, relaxed, and turned on (these can be the accelerator pedals). When women are under stress and feeling pressure, the last thing they’re thinking is about having sex. So focus on these things to create a sex life that is not only pleasurable but also creates an emotional connection. The best way to increase your chances of improving your sex life is to help her decrease her stress.
2. There Maybe Reasons She Isn’t Feeling Attracted To You
Women are especially sensitive to smells even more than men. So she may expect you to have a higher standard of hygiene that might be different than yours. So it’s essential to know what smells turn her on? And what turns her off? If you don’t know for sure, just ask her.
Men that smell bad whether it’s their breathe or their body odor it can be quite the turn off. Maybe its the garlicy cheese sandwich they had at lunch or the stress sweat from work, you’re responsible for your smell. This can put a screeching halt on the brakes to sex in that moment, as well as any future sex.
Like men, women are attracted to men that not only smell good but are visually appealing too. Men look more attractive when they are well-dressed, confident, classy and exude a warm, caring personality. I want to mention that some women are more romantic than men and respond well to sweet love notes in her lunch, having a massage, fancy homemade meal w/ candles, enjoying the sunset together or watching her favourite chick flick. These actions can create connection and accelerate her arousal and desire. Who wouldn’t want that?
When men go to the gym, eat properly and take care of their bodies some women can find this really sexy, even if he has a bit of dad bod. It’s all about the time and determination he takes to care about himself which is also very attractive for women.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What You Can Do About It
Yes, you actually have some control over this. So just do a check-in are you looking after yourself physically by doing exercise? Are you putting your best self forward and proud of how you present yourself to the world?
You can control this by going to the gym, or getting some other form of exercise that you enjoy. Dress nice, smell amazing, and make an effort to step up your look, you’ll be glad you did. Not only because you’ll feel better about yourself but she’ll become more attracted to you and see that you care about yourself.
Another really attractive thing you can do is work on improving your communication skills, be a more caring and thoughtful person. If you need to find a counsellor to help you with this. Therapy can be so effective in helping you to become a sexy communicator. She will be impressed with the effort, and how committed you are to being a better you.
3. She Doesn’t Feel Sexy In Her Body
Unfortunately, most women are really critical about their body image and can feel very negative about specific body parts. Likely she feels too fat, or that her thighs have increased and she maybe worried that you may know longer feel turned on by her. Women who are confident, feeling healthy whether emotionally or physically will likely feel much more in the mood to have sex.
Women now have more pressure to look and be a specific size. The standards women have for themselves are far higher than men do for themselves, leaving women feeling far more vulnerable, and like she is not quite enough. Social Media is also not very forgiving about how a woman should dress or look but what is also considered sexy and what isn’t. She may feel like a failure because she doesn’t measure up to the portrayals of “sexy women” out there, and she’ll strongly feel like she can’t quite compare. It’s not uncommon for ladies to give up trying to live up to societal expectations. It can be challenging for some reason to realize that every women is sexy in her own unique way and to accept herself for who she is.
For some women, staying at home a large part of the day and not having hobbies or outside interests facilitates lower self-esteem and overall lower self-confidence. When women allow themselves to start feeling pleasure and confidence in other areas of their lives, it is easier for them to start feeling like they deserve and want sexual pleasure in their lives as well.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What Can I Do About It
Offer to take care of the kids and other responsibilities so she can have some time to herself. Encourage her to develop her talents and interests. Pamper her a little bit.
Avoid saying things that could be hurtful or critical. Sincerely compliment her on what you find attractive and sexy about her—and do it at times when you’re not in bed.
Many women report feeling turned on when they feel desired by their partner and are approached in a way that makes her feel special.
4. Maybe You Need To Be A Better Partner
Maybe you haven’t been supporting her emotionally. Maybe you’ve gotten angry or down in the past when she hasn’t been interested in sex. Maybe you’ve been a little grumpy or emotionally withdrawn from her lately. She can sense that something is wrong and likely won’t want to have sex with you if she feels disconnected from you.
A woman is vulnerable physically and emotionally when she is sexual with a man. Remember, the brain is the most powerful sexual organ, and for most women, sexuality is tied to their relationship. If she is feeling disrespected, uncared for, or negative emotions in general from you, it will be very difficult for her to relax enough to experience desire.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What Can I Do About It
Do a self-inventory. When is the last time you took her on a date? When was the last time you initiated a conversation about a topic she’s interested in? Are you treating her with respect and appreciation in your daily interactions? How do you react when she doesn’t want to be sexual? Depressed? Angry?
Say your sorry for any crappy behavior in the past. Talk with her about what you have realized you need to do better. Be willing to go to couples counseling. Ask her gently how you could meet more of her emotional needs. Listen to what she says, and do it!
5. Her Health Problems Create A Barrier
Her low desire might have very little to do with you. It can be a hormonal imbalance, depression, chronic illness or pain and even some medications can all contribute to a lower libido.
Women are about 2x as likely to experience depression as men. Over 60% of individuals who experience depression report having a negative effect on their libido. The same neurotransmitters that control mood also are involved in stimulating blood flow to the genitals. If neurotransmitters are not in the proper numbers, then there is less chance of becoming aroused.
Additionally, it’s important to note that chronic illness and pain may decrease her ability to focus on being sexual. She intuitively knows that her body will pay the price for being sexual and/or she’s so uncomfortable physically, that the idea of sexual pleasure seems impossible.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What Can I Do About It
Inquire about her health and whether or not she feels it impacts her ability to feel like having sex. You should really make it your mission to know what is going on with her physically and be sensitive to it. Encourage her to see a doctor, endocrinologist, or therapist. Be gentle, kind and supportive about this.
To be honest, talk openly about how you two can be more sexual, that won’t be painful for her. Maybe there are other more painless ways you can touch and pleasurable her.
6. She Has Conflicting Feelings About Sex
The scars of sexual abuse from her past, can create unhealthy beliefs about sex which may decrease her feelings to want to have sex. One in three women have been sexually abused and many sexual abuse survivors who don’t get help can be traumatized and avoid sex. They may need to have counselling to heal the trauma, in order to feel comfortable having sex again. Some women will push themselves to have sex and be sexual without realizing that there may be cumulative layers of pain leaving them triggered. They need to feel that they can safely say “no” to having sex and not feel pressured to have sex if they don’t want too. Often they internalize the thoughts to have sex before they can get excited to even have sex and say “yes” to it.
Many women adopt powerful cultural messages that sex is shameful and bad. Having received strong “no” messages enveloping them with fear of sex, reinforced over decades of life, naturally there are strong patterns of negative thinking related to sexuality as a result. Decades of conditioning doesn’t just go away when suddenly a woman is in a relationship with you and sex is now “okay.”
Often after the marriage ceremony, other dominating “shoulds” come into play that do not lead to healthy sexual attitudes and fulfilling sexuality. Some of these “shoulds” that women internalize are: “I should have sex—even if I don’t want it.” “It’s my duty.” “If I don’t have sex he will be mad, turn to porn, etc.” Those thoughts and beliefs are huge brakes for women and squash out pleasure and eroticism. Acting sexual out of fear and obligation instead of desire and connection can continue to cause damage to her already conflicted sense of sexuality.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What Can I Do About It
Be sensitive to your wife’s past experiences. Talk to her about the cultural, or conservative childhood messages you internalized related to sex and ask her about hers. Challenge your own beliefs and assumptions about sex in marriage and how it “should be.”
Adopt a strong position of consent with how you behave with her. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you are entitled to have sex when you want. She still has a right to choose when to be sexual and when not to. You can ask her “Are you comfortable?” “Is this okay?” “Do you want to slow down?”
Find ways to touch her without any sexual innuendos. Give her a hug, some kisses. Hold her hand. Put your arm around her. Most of all, be sensitive to how she responds to this touch, and act accordingly.
7. Raw Truth, She May Not Enjoy Sex
Frequently, women often feel uncomfortable or pain during sexual intercourse but for various reasons feel embarrassed or scared to talk about with their partner. The problem is, when the brain connects sexual experience with pain, a learned negative response is created and reinforced. Automatic aversion is often the result.
After having a few painful sexual experiences a woman might come to believe that she just doesn’t like having sex. She doesn’t realize that pain does not need to be part of her sexual experience. A certified sex therapist can be very helpful in providing psychoeducation and solutions to help eliminate pain.
Women generally need a lot more time for foreplay and time for her brain and body to become adequately aroused than men do. Erotic and enjoyable foreplay helps with lubrication and managing pain, as well as allowing more time for arousal to reach the tipping point into orgasm.
Next, You’re Probably Wondering What Can I Do About It
Talk to her about her experience. Ask her if she ever experiences any pain. Ask her what types of foreplay she enjoys. Be brave and ask her what other things she might like. If any of this feels too uncomfortable to talk about, a sex therapist is skilled in having these types of conversations with couples in a safe and comfortable way.
If you are being sexual with your wife and she is experiencing pain, stop what you are doing! There are many tools such as lubricant, pillows, and toys that can allow couples to work around sexual pain issues. There are different positions and options available that do not need to include pain. Sex should be pleasurable for both people involved. Make this a priority in your relationship.
Final Words
Sometimes you can feel helpless to know what you can do to make your sex life better. Don’t despair, your not alone in this. You desperately want to connect with your wife, and sexuality is an unparalleled powerful way to experience deep connection with the woman you love. The truth is, it takes two committed people valuing their sexuality for it to thrive. You are just one person in this equation, but there are things that you can do to start to make things better. Scheduling an appointment with a therapist can be very helpful and provide you with insights and better understanding.
