Trauma Bond

Posted September 4, 2020

By Christine Ferch

Can you think back to a relationship where many people in your life, told you to get out of? However, you could not see what they saw, as the relationship started as an exhilarating with intense compatibility and the feelings where more intense than what you had ever experienced. Then, suddenly, what was once compatibility became a typhoon of chemistry. Everything within the relationship becomes catastrophic, the winds picked up, rain is pounding, and it is time to go inward and find safe land. This is a narcissists storm, and when the storm and when we have endured the storm, we cannot turn away, the bond becomes hard to break.

Trauma Bonding is the joining of the narcissist in the storm. We do not know if the relationship is out of love or is developing from abuse, solidifying the trauma bond. The manipulation occurs from negative and repetitive behaviours the narcissist uses to operate their cycle of abuse which strengthens the trauma bond when there is repeated harmful acts. The cycle of a narcissistic addictive pattern fuels their need for validation and manipulating with psychological and emotional abuse towards their partner. Hence, the partner believes, their negative behaviours are healthy.

Trauma bonding with narcissists does not necessarily occur in romantic relationships but can occur in mental or physical abuse in an adult-adult relationship. Any relationship where there is a boss, subordinate, professor, student, colleague-colleague, sibling-sibling, parent-child and so forth can be at risk of trauma bonding.

A narcissist’s behavioural cycle occurs in three stages:

Infatuation
Devaluation
Rapid discarding of the partner

This loop is toxic because the partner begins to crave the infatuation marked by the beginning of the relationship allowing them to quickly forgive and do anything to get the relationship back to the beginning, a place of good feelings. As the pattern continues, the narcissist finds ways to leverage with inconsistent positive reinforcement to lure their partner back in. The perpetual cycle becomes an endless pursuit of winning back first love and admiration from recurring damage. Eventually, the partner becomes aware of the cycle, and the relationship must end, the victims often feel trapped to leave.

Co-dependency is also associated with trauma bonding as the partner of the narcissist is often co-dependent. When they begin to see the cycle, they begin to believe they are the problem and need to understand what they “are doing wrong” in order to have the love return in the relationship.

The more the narcissist can draw back their partner with the honeymoon phase, the trauma bond is strengthened.

Trauma bonding does not only occur in relationships with a narcissist, but they can also occur during childhood as the word “bonding” in trauma bond, refers to the attachment we develop with others, sometimes healthy, sometimes unhealthy. During childhood, a trauma bond occurs with traumatic childhood experiences with a caregiver, and the relationship pattern becomes internalized and a learned pattern of behaviour for seeking attachment.

Trauma bonding in childhood is strengthened when our caregiver provides us with a roller coaster of love and abuse. This is how children learn to associate the idea that abuse is love. So in adulthood and adult relationships, the individual believes, unless there is trauma or abuse, it is not love. They are incredibly unfamiliar with healthy love and relationships. In order to protect our “loved” one, we push down every notion of bad parent and feelings of anger and hurt so we can be positive towards our caregiver, so we receive love and attachment. We protect ourselves by internalizing the anger and hurt and begin to believe we are at fault, we the bad guy, and must make up for it. We begin to develop to a belief we are bad and undeserving of love. However, only punishment, co-dependency occurs as in adulthood, we end up attracting abusive partners as that is the “love” we are used to.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

What you say to yourself to justify the abuse
If you are feeling stuck and powerless but are trying to make the best of it
There are moments were deep down, you do not trust the person, but you cannot leave
The relationship is intense and complex and involves unkept promises “I will get better”, “When I get a job, things will be better”, “I promise I will marry you one day” etc.
They are only “sometimes” abusive, but you only focus on the good
You feel you can somehow change them with the love you can provide
Your love will change them, so they are not emotionally and physically abusive
Friends and family have advised leaving the relationship
You defend the relationship when others criticize
You have tried to leave but feel physically ill, if you do leave, you will die, or life will be over
The other person is continually letting you down, but you still believe their promises

How To Stop Trauma Bonding

Always take your time to get to know someone
Never jump straight in because it feels good
Look out for red flags of abusive behaviour such as feeling pressured or controlled
Ensure you can be respected for your boundaries
Make sure what you see is what you get, people tend to hide things or have truths which come out later
Have your closest friends and family meet them
If they refer to all their ex-partners as crazy, nothing was their fault, or they were the victim
If they are too good to be authentic or amazing

No contact: create a total break, ignore emails, texts, phone calls, any other type of ways your ex-partner tries to reach out. Find a support person whom you can talk to when you want to talk to your ex.
Live in reality: Be in the present moment, do not reflect on the past or what the future “could have been”. The good things done in the past were to keep you in their cycle; it was manipulation, not love.
Detach: lean on the on your negative thoughts about your ex and return to them when you are tempted to go back in the relationship. Remind yourself why you left in the first place and how you are worthy of more. Establish truths and facts about the relationships and have friends and families support you and reinforce these thoughts.
Warning Signs: watch for red flags of narcissistic behaviours and the risks they can carry.
- Individuals who place intense, focused attention on you
- Implore grand gestures in public
- Rushes emotional intimacy
- Creates a false sense of deep familiarity
- How they speak about past relationships
- Note the other personality traits they show in other relationships

Break the Trauma Bond:

Love can be confused with Trauma Bonding by:

True love is not abusive
True love will develop over time, not all at once, and it is not like the movies!!
Real love means feelings of love, and you feel good about yourself
You are not conditioned to please your partner

If this information on trauma bonding identified with you or you feel you have experienced trauma bonding and want some support, or have any questions, please contact admin@ovcs.ca. Email us today to find out about a type of trauma counselling that is super effective in moving you forward in your life, called EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing.

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