The Cycle of Abuse
By Christine Ferch
Domestic violence often occurs in a cycle. To understand this cycle of violence (and the factors that influence it) is the first step towards being able to break the cycle. The cycle of abuse can happen within an intimate and platonic relationships.
Violence in a relationship, whether platonic or intimate can be mentally, physically and emotionally draining on the individual who is enduring it. During this relationship, survivors struggle with cognitive dissonance regarding their personal values, relationship values and the situation they are facing. Survivors are exposed to gas lighting and threats towards them or others they are close with. Additionally, threats the abusive individual will harm themselves if the survivor threatens to or leaves the relationship.
As we have seen from movies or read in books and based on the dynamic of an abusive relationship, they can be exceedingly difficult for an individual to leave. Statistics revealed, individuals facing intimate partner relationship, can take 7 attempts to finally leave the relationship. It takes a lot of courage, support and resources for an individual to walk out.
Why is it so hard? Many women who have survived IPV are often asked, why did you not just leave? When an individual is faced with gas lighting and manipulation to a certain degree, they begin to believe the negative things that are told to them by their abuser. Certain personality traits the person has can create the thought process they are strong and can handle what the abuser is doing. They may also be codependent or feel like a saviour who is meant to rescue their abuser.
These thoughts the individual has been wrapped up into what is known as the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse begins with the honeymoon period, which all relationships endure. However, when abuse begins does not stop, the cycle starts at the honeymoon period. The abuser apologizes, begs, promises and engages in positive behaviours, so the survivor thinks the abuse is over and things will be okay. The survivor then feels hopeful, they may stop legal proceedings and agree not to leave. As the honeymoon phase progresses, tension can begin to build, the abuser engages in criticism, yelling, swearing, coercion and anger. The survivor often tries to calm or soothe the abuser, begin to isolate, provide nurturance and feel as if they are walking on eggshells. This can persist for a period before the abuser inevitably explodes. An explosion can look likes threats and attacks which can be physical such as hitting, throwing, choking, sexual such as rape or emotional, which looks like imprisonment, humiliation, verbal abuse. During the explosion, survivors often may fight back, protect their children and animals, tries to reason or leave or call the police. The explosion is then reduced to a calming period and back into the honeymoon phase.
As one can see, a victim may believe things will get better during the honeymoon phase, and the explosion is blamed on a trigger in the environment. It was not the abuser fault, it was this circumstance.
To assist someone who is struggling with an abusive or tumultuous relationship, unfortunately, this is something they need to do on their own terms and awareness. To support someone, let them know you see what is happening and understand it is their choice to leave. Offer them reassurance on resources in the community and the support the client will have from friends and family when they decide to go. Many women indicate, they had to find a “moment”, this moment may mean a feeling of safety for themselves and their children. They know within themselves, this is it, they will not return to that relationship. As it is not always just about leaving, the survivor wants to be sure, they will not be turning back.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding Intimate Partner Violence, please do not hesitate to reach out. We can be discrete and assist with creating safety plans. You can contact us at admin@ovcs.ca
