Surviving and Thriving from Infidelity
By Christina Fenske
Synopsis from Social Work Today’s article in the May/ June 2010 Issue, called “Surviving Infidelity – Couples Therapists’ Best Practices” by Nadine M. Hasenecz Vol.10, No. 3, Pg. 10.
This article looks at the “patterns of infidelity and their treatment” brought forth by Emily M. Brown who created the following common characteristics of infidelity: Surviving and Thriving from Infidelity
- Fear of Conflict so it’s avoided because couples are unable to face each other and so avoid the conflict
- Partners Constantly fight so they don’t want to be intimate so they avoid it which she calls, ‘intimacy avoidance’
- Sex Addiction is where there is possibly neglect in having their own needs met and may neglect the needs of another or one person wants to leave the relationship and has made the decision that they are no longer interested in keeping this relationship.
- Entitlement Affair refers to a partner who has spent most of their days to their career and isn’t connected to their emotional self
An example that was given of an “Entitlement Type” is former president Bill Clinton who had success and believes they can have anything they want so they go after it.
Some others turn to affairs due to their own narcissistic personality disorders and a feeling of an inner void. When they believe that they are an icon and are only wanted for what they represent to people and not who they are as human beings.
Some people view infidelity differently depending on what they view as a betrayal. For some having an emotional affair is infidelity and for others having a physical affair is being unfaithful. What we do know though is that all infidelity according to Brown is serious and obviously impacts the partner who has been betrayed. This leads the betrayed to feel sometimes worthless, question their own attractiveness, and self-worth. They may even be devastating and wonder what they could have done differently.
Although all of this sounds pretty bleak, that said most counsellors do agree that couples can heal, survive and even thrive from the infidelity of another. Some individuals will state that they notice that after healing takes place their relationship is stronger and they notice a deeper understanding and connection. Surviving and Thriving from Infidelity isn’t easy but can be done.
How To Survive and Thrive Infidelity
The main list is some of the best practices suggested to be utilized in couples counselling for infidelity:
- Sustain an attitude that is not judgemental
- Avoid trying to influence a couple in staying together or breaking up
- Encourage the couple to not discuss anything with family or friends about what’s going on so they don’t take sides
- Instruct couples to share their emotions with each other, using “I statements” which is about understanding each other and learning what each person really needs by using Imago therapy. This is about teaching people to become attuned to each other, and the impact of their behavior on the other
- Working with the betrayed partner so they reduce their rumination about the affair. Thought-stopping can help shift images of the negative situation to something more positive
- An especially effective way to delve beneath the surface and reach deeper feelings, Kollman believes, is via Imago Relationship Therapy’s “Imago Dialog,” a talking and listening skill that allows partners to share pain without criticizing, shaming, or blaming. This type of communication helps partners transcend the presenting struggle—in this case, infidelity—as well as reactive and dramatic behavior while moving toward understanding underlying triggers. “Imago therapy is about helping people grow up and behave as what we believe maturity looks like,” Kollman says, which includes impulse control and awareness of the impact of one’s actions on another person
- Transparency and avoiding secrecy. It’s critical that counsellor doesn’t keep a partner’s secret of infidelity or it can be seen as collusion. The counsellor should let clients know that they will share what the other partner has revealed
- Gaining a full history from each partner provides some ideas about their family of origin that may impact their relationships today
- Each partner should receive tasks to work on in order for their relationship to heal and progress
Ultimately the betrayer should be the one who is willing to do whatever it takes to let their partner know that they are going to be there for them to reassure them along the way. This won’t be forever but it may need to be for quite some time until healing takes place.
Also, check out our other articles on affairs and learn more about 7 types of affairs. Or check out Social Work Today’s article on Surviving Infidelity.
