Self-Compassion
By Christine Ferch
What is self-compassion? It ties in with our inner critic and how we speak to ourselves negatively and critically. Self-compassion is essential, our positive inner critic, it is the voice which tells us to take it easy, we are doing good, we are a success and so forth. Self-compassion comes from Buddhist psychology that thinking and behaviour occur in light of awareness and sensitivity. Compassion is the idea of being touched by the suffering of others, opening one’s awareness of others pain and not avoiding or disconnecting from them. This is feelings of kindness towards others to alleviate negative symptoms. Self-compassion is doing these things for ourselves, not for others. When we are kind to others, telling them things will be okay, they are doing a good job etc., are things we need to tell ourselves. If we make a mistake, we tell ourselves we can try again, and with practice, we can succeed. There is no voice of criticism depreciating our value.
Self-compassion is closely related to our well-being, as we want to have positive or healthy well-being. This is a highly valued goal in life and ties into self-actualization, see my blog on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for more information on this stage in life. The connection with self-compassion and well-being lies in self-compassion, increasing the engagement in goal direction behaviour and well-being is the accomplishment of these goals.
If we are not compassionate to ourselves when we make mistakes, we are hindering our ability to achieve goals. The negative self-talk inhibits the desire to want to try again due to self-doubt and our inner critic taking too much control of our thought processes. Self-compassion can integrate our thoughts with our emotions to respond to these negative situations with kindness, mindfulness, and awareness of humanity. The idea is, self-compassion does not eliminate negative feelings but allows us to accept, integrate or let go of negative experiences.
Self-compassion needs to be built as those who may be low on self-compassion may have faced overly critical parents, neglect, or situations of inconsistent love. How can we be compassionate and love ourselves, if others did not engage in these behaviours with us? Self-compassion enhances self-love; we do not judge ourselves; we come from a place of warmth and acceptance. We can recognize the difference between making a wrong decision to be a bad person.
How do we build Self-Compassion?
There are a variety of ways to boost your ability to engage in self-compassion on a variety of different levels of life, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
- Treat yourself as you would a small child: We are generally more compassionate towards children; we become nurturing and want to alleviate the pain the child is feeling.
- Practice mindfulness: when need to become mindful of when we are being critical of what we are doing or saying.
- Remember you are not alone: We are all human, no one is perfect, so it is reassuring to know, we all make mistakes. It can be reassuring to know we are all connected by the idea, and we are all making mistakes, and sometimes we all make the same mistake
- Permit yourself not to be perfect: We must give ourselves room to be human, as described above, we are all flawed. We all ensure days where we are lazy, unproductive, binge watch TV with fried chicken and chocolate. This is okay!!
- Work with a supportive therapist or coach: Talking to someone on how to build skills to reduce our inner critic and reduce the impact of negative schemas developed in childhood.
- Guided meditations
- Exploring self-compassion through writing or engaging in a journal
- Supportive touch: keeps us in touch with our parasympathetic system to create feelings of calm, cared for and safety
- Practice Forgiveness: Stop punishing yourself for making mistakes. Let go of these errors and see them as growth in trying different things in the world. You are worth it despite what others have stated.
- Express gratitude: find strength in appreciating the things you do have and not the things you do not have which may be out of reach. Focus on your blessings and not your shortcomings by writing in a journal or taking a gratitude walk, acknowledging what the earth has to offer that you are grateful for.
Remember, be kind and compassionate to yourself for balance and growth!
Other blogs to reference: Inner critic, Mindfulness, Core Beliefs, Central Nervous System, or Communication Styles.
For more information on Self-Compassion or have any concerns or want to build up self-compassion, contact us at admin@ovcs.ca.
