Resisting Fight or Flight
So if you’re reading this you already know what fight, flight or freeze is. If not than you should look it up quickly before you begin reading. First we need to break ourselves of the impulse to strike out or head out when the going gets even the slightest bit tough. You can’t stop yourself reacting instinctively with that surge of adrenaline and the feelings it produces. But unlike our primitive ancestors or animal, what we can do is learn to control the behaviour that might follow.
There are five tips identified by Hayman, (2010), that will help you remain calm and grounded during a time of high stress, avoiding fight or flight, so you can act in a way that is effective and respectful to yourself and to others.
- Think before you react.
- Talk yourself through it.
- Mind what you say.
Mind how you say it.- Stand tall.
Think before you react. Often the primitive brain will be egging you on to take immediate action. If there is a lion running after you, or you’ve walked in front of a bus, that would be wise. Assertiveness in most cases rather than fight or flight would be a better idea so you can take more time to assess the situation before you respond and possibly make the wrong decision.
When we talk about assertiveness action, we mean you think and reflect prior to making a decision, especially if you are new to this time of decision-making. Pause, think, count to ten and give your thinking brain a chance to catch up with what is actually happening rather than what your primitive brain feels might be happening. If people are insisting that you make a decision on what your doing than it’s okay to let them know first that you would like some time to think it through first. If they continue to persist in wanting an answer, try saying, “If you want an immediate answer it’s no. If you want me to consider that I need some time to think about it first so I can make an informed decision.”
Talk yourself through it. I’m sure most of us have looked in the mirror and made a scared face and then found yourself acting to what you see by getting frightened. It actually works. If you tell or show yourself you are scared, angry or upset, your emotions will follow suit. If you think the other person is in the wrong, or is going to abuse you, or that you are going to be on the losing end of the encounter, you’re likely to experience exactly what you feared. Not because it was necessarily true, but because you talked yourself into it. It’s easy to give your power and control away to that other person hoever you created this unpleasant situation, scary persona for them, which may not have been true until you began to act to them as if it was.
Put yourself in more control in touchy situations through calm thoughts and reminding yourself that you are safe. Tell yourself you are capable and strong. Remind youself the other person needs your support and understanding. Ensure that you use language that supports this by using, Dos rather than Don’ts. If you say, “Don’t be angry” or Don’t be scared all you may hear are angry and scared. Instead, concentrate on what you want, such as…be calm, listen, be understanding, and be firm.
Mind what you say. This means to watch what you say and how you say things to others if you want to be assertive and defuse any tension. The words we pick can at times have the opposite impact to what we want. An example may be telling someone to calm down, for instance, can make them blow up. That’s because it may be heard as patronizing, interfering, or judgemental. Saying, “I understand…” can also lead to an angry “No you don’t…” which is true you can’t possibly know what others are thinking or what they want.
Instead of using “You” and “But” use “I” Statements or “And”. Instead of I understand”, try “It sounds as if you’re having a bad time. I sympathize.” So, “I appreciate you’re upset. I’d like us to talk about it so I can help. I suggest we both take a little time to think it over. And, I would like the kitchen cleared so I can make supper. I suggest we do it together and when we’re ready, we can talk.”
Using “And” builds co-operation and understanding. Using the word “I” is honest as it tells the other person what you are feeling and what you want, rather than fudging the responsibility or blaming and labelling them. “You should do that” invites “Why the heck should I?”, while “I would like you to do that’ may well be met with “Oh, Ok.”
Mind how you say it. Watch your tone which research suggests conveys a major part of your message – as much as 40%. Shouting, speaking in a shrill, high-pitched voice, or talking too quickly, all send the message that you are under stress and tending towards either being submissive or aggressive. Take a deep breath, slow down and keep your voice low but firm.
Stand tall. To be assertive, it means to watch your body language and how you stand or position your body, what you do with your hands, the sort of eye contact you make. Some of us don’t even realize how many different messages our body language can send out and some major messages of a person’s intentions. Incredibly 40% of what we are really saying is shown in our tone of voice, and 55% is communicated by what the other person can see. Your words should be soft, but if your fists are clenched, your fingers pointing, and your eyes glaring, while you loom over someone they know they are under threat from aggression.
So the next time you want to be more assertive, try standing tall and showing your worth.
