Coping with Grief

Coping with Grief

By Christine Ferch

Coping with Grief is something we are all impacted by as we lose many things in life. Yes, that is right; grief does not necessarily pertain to the loss of a loved one such as a family member, friend, or pet. We can grieve the loss of anything relevant to us, which can be the inability to play a sport we have spent most of our lives pursuing. It is a challenging aspect of life and can be very difficult to overcome as some losses can be intense, leading to shock and confusion.

So, what is Grief? Grief is a strong emotional, cognitive, or behavioural pattern we engage in after the loss of something essential to us. Some individuals have a hard time regulating negative thought patterns, behave in manners which are risky or cannot regulate emotions which may move into bereavement depression. 

How do we process Grief?

Everybody will process Grief in quite different ways and at different times and for different lengths of time. If you see a family member who does not appear to be emotionally affected by the loss, they may be internalizing their feelings, or the processing of the loss is still happening for the individuals. The processing of the loss will need to happen before Grief is processed, as if there is not a loss, there may not be a reason to grieve. However, we must acknowledge the loss in some shape or form even if the loss was not substantial, as when we do not mourn, negative emotions such as shame and guilt can arise.

Grief may be short-term or acute, which means it shows up when it should and dissipates in a short time. However, the Grief can return if triggered, such as seeing or holding something which brings up positive memories of the loss. Grief can also be considered complicated, which can last months or years, and without help or support, this Grief can lead to chronic illness such as the bereavement depression as stated above.

It is important to remember, there is no proper way to grieve, and the quicker is not necessarily, the better. You may find yourself moving throughout the stages of Grief at random and may hit one of the stages more than once.

5 Stages of Grief

 There are 5 stages of grief and loss, which were developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. These stages are universal across many different cultures. As we work through our Grief, at each stage, we will express ourselves at different levels of intensity and do not occur in any given order.

1. Denial and Isolation: usually the first reaction for grieving individuals have when they are told of their loss, it is a normal reaction to rationalizing overwhelming emotions. These are also defence mechanisms which are used to buffer the shock, and numb us to our intense emotions.
2. Anger: When denial and isolation wear, anger begins to creep its way in. Anger deflected the other emotions away from our vulnerability and redirected to express anger aimed at inanimate objects, stranger, friends or family. It may also be directed at the loss such as the person who left us, even though they are not to blame.
3. Bargaining: Normal reaction to helplessness and vulnerability is needed to regain control through “if only” statements: “if we only got there sooner if we only had a second opinion…”.
4. Depression: Two types of depression can present themselves during our grieving, the first is the natural reaction to the practical aspects of the loss, sadness and regret take over which brings us into depression and worry begin to escalate around aspects of the loss and burial. The second is more subtle and is more private, and it is our preparation to separate ourselves by bidding our loved one well.
5. Acceptance: Some individuals do not reach this stage if the death or loss is sudden, like a professional athlete tearing an important muscle and no longer allowed to play their sport—alternatively, a car accident which lead to fatality.

When we can accept our loss, we may be withdrawn but calm. We may become inspired to evaluate our feelings of life and death. Through the stages, we may have worked ourselves to emergence of hope. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

How to Process your Grief

There are many things we can do to work through our Grief, to cope with the pain, to come to terms with the loss and find a way to pick up the pieces and move forward.

1. Acknowledge your pain. It is okay to tell yourself you are hurting; you experienced a loss it is reasonable and acceptable to feel that pain
2. Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions. If you find yourself experiencing an emotional roller coaster, this is normal and will begin to dissipate with time. As our brain processes the loss, the emotions will also settle
3. Understand your grieving process will be unique to you. Try not to compare yourself to others who are grieving with you. You may notice they are engaging in their way of grieving as well
4. Seek out support from friends, family, or professional therapy
5. Support yourself emotionally, be compassionate to yourself both mentally and physically
6. Recognize the difference between grief and depression. If you are finding your grieving process is not reducing in frequency and intensity of negative thoughts, feelings, or behaviours, it may be helpful to reach out for extra support

Symptoms of Grief

Some symptoms a person may experience with their onset of Grief are:

1. Shock and disbelief
2. Sadness
3. Guilt
4. Anger
5. Fear

Physical symptoms:

1. Fatigue
2. Nausea
3. Lowered immunity
4. Weight loss or gain
5. Aches and pains
6. Insomnia

If you are grieving and find yourself:

1. Feeling as if life is not worth living
2. Wish you had died with your loved one
3. Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
4. Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
5. Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
6. Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

It may be helpful to reach out for professional support. If you have any questions or want to work through your Grief, contact us at admin@ovcs.ca. Another article you may enjoy if you liked this one is adapting to grief. Book now with one of grief and loss specialists.