Cures For Communicating In Your Relationship
According To John M. Gottman (Crown Publishers, 1999), “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” for more information on the dangers of attacking, defending, and withdrawing.
Advantages of free showing understanding many people have fears that they will never be understood, resolve their feelings, and have their needs met unless they talk. When the art of listening is understood, it makes sense why the opposite is true:
- You can reduce the intensity of your own reactions by understanding the hurt that underlies partner’s undesirable behaviour always assume that when your partner does not treat you well, there is an old resentment or fear behind that behavior.
- Your partner will have less need to defend, withdraw, attack or give long-winded speeches: It may take several statements of understanding before your partner realizes that you simply want to understand without trying to force changes.
- The best way to obtain understanding is by giving it: As your partner’s defenses come down, he or she won’t want to understand how things have been for you. Your persistent efforts to show understanding will serve as a model that can teach your partners to rephrase, identify feelings, validate, and sympathize. You can aid the process (after you thoroughly understand your partner’s feelings) by asking, “Would you like to understand why I acted the way I did?”
- Lasting solutions come from understanding: They are never reached by convincing, ordering, threatening, and nagging. Over time, deep levels of understanding will develop and conflicts will begin to resolve themselves.
- You and your partner will begin to encourage the best in each other by appreciating the good intentions in difficult behaviour: “I imagine you think I get the credit I deserve when I’m all fixed up and you must be puzzled when I don’t mind not being noticed.”
Showing approval and appreciation of all the little things your partner does to meet your needs goes one step beyond understanding and promotes continued success. When you find things to criticize, you ensure disaster. You can even appreciate things that have not happened as though they have, and start a desired change: “I’ve noticed how you’ve begun to pick up things around the house more. That really helps me to relax.”
Understanding the pain that underlies troublesome behaviour and noticing the little things a person does to change is simple, but it is not easy. It can be extremely difficult to put your own needs aside for understanding as side to focus on your partner. However, once you are freed of the need to attack, defend, and withdrawal, the rigid divisions in the relationship will begin to fall apart. Your mind will open for a vast array of tactics that can change the way you and your partner deal with problems.
Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. New York, New York: Crown Publishers.
