According to “Communication That Cures Problems,” frequently as mentioned by this book that opposites attract and likes repel. Typically, when a couple is different, often they have difficulty accommodating these differences, there are problems. Especially when the couple tries to act as one person, the second half of magnetic law is set into action. As the gap increases between the couple as their differences become huge, they begin to push each other apart. An integral part of decreasing this gap is to merge the patterns of communication that flow into it. The way to begin is by examining your reaction and identifying what your partner does that annoys you. ie. If you spouse is messy, have you been criticizing him? Should you find yourself avoiding or withdrawing or even becoming defensive when your spouse is critical of you? There are countless responses whenever there is a problem. Majority of individuals become stuck in “fight or flight”.
Possibly you may currently be using the defend-withdraw-attack method of communication which is all about one partner winning and the other losing. Or another response may resolve problems so that both sides win. Below track your habits that are either a “Change Habit Response” or a “Thoughtful Response”.
“Change Habit Response” “Thoughtful Response”
Instead of defending or withdrawing: Use active listening:
Apologizing: I’m sorry I…. Clarify/rephrase: What do you mean by…? Are you saying…?
Reassuring: I really do… Label feelings: You must feel…You seem…
Explaining: The reason is… Validate feelings: It makes sense that…It must be hard when…
Justifying: I was just…
Tuning out
Instead of controlling: Use effective expression:
Convincing: You have to understand… State your feelings: I feel…when you…
Disagreeing: You’re wrong about… Make requests: Would you…?
Advising/lecturing: Why don’t you… Set limits: I’m willing not willing to…
Ordering: You have to…
Threatening: …or else
Instead of condemning: Use deflecting and defusing:
Complaining: You don’t…Nothing ever… Turn killer words into kindness: Agree to fact or theory, take or give compliments;
Blaming: You never… find golden nuggets, dramatize, twist the tone; use reverse psychology.
Criticizing: You should/shouldn’t… Understand causes and effects of intimidation; label feelings, sympathize, ask
Comparing: Why can’t you be more… questions; express feelings, wants, and limits.
Predicting the worst: You’ll never… Use “power words”: try, dare, but; unrelated comments and general humor.
Accusing: I know you’re…
Insulting, name calling, making slurs
Taunting, teasing, rejecting
Using sarcastic, mocking, patronizing tones
