Attachment style and Relationships
By Christine Ferch
Ever wonder about your attachments with the people in your life? How quickly were you able to feel secure with others or how you may feel you do not trust others?
These thoughts can be traced back to our infancy when we first bond with our caregivers. One of my favourite psychology studies was completed by John Bowlby, and he used infant monkeys and fake monkeys to determine preference. Among the fake monkeys, were a wire monkey with no food, a wire monkey with food, a cloth monkey with food and a cloth monkey with no food. The infant monkeys, despite the wire monkey having food, showed higher preference to the cloth monkeys. Despite not having food, the one cloth monkey was still preferred because of the warmth and nurturance it provided.
But what do monkeys, and attachment have to do with my relationship?
During infancy, when we are provided with warmth, nurturance and can form a bond with a trusted individual, we generalize this relationship dynamic into our future relationships. If a parent displays empathy when you are sick, or responds with warmth when you are hurt, or allows you to explore your environment with ease building autonomy, we approach our relationships with the same perspective. If we have parents who are neglectful, dismissive of our pain, unpredictable with their responses, provide little warmth or anger towards your needs, you may become fearful or anxious avoidant around others.
Mary Ainsworth elaborated on this study and developed 5 different styles of attachment which develop in infancy. Among the nurturance and warmth provided, children will either be securely attached, dismissive-avoidant, anxious and fearful. Those who are securely attached are comfortable with intimacy, autonomy in their close relationships can resolve conflict constructively. Preoccupied can become overly invested or involved in their intimate relationships, depend on others for self-worth, can be demanding, needy. Dismissive attachment can lead to impulsivity, self-reliance, passive, ignores intimacy. Fearful attachment is dependent on others, avoids intimacy for fear of rejection but craves it, and usually have low self-esteem.
Attachment and Relationships
As you can see from the description above, which attachment styles would present difficulty within the relationship. Those who have an anxious or fearful attachment will have a hard time finding trust and building comfort to create and maintain intimacy within the relationship. Therefore, they may have a harder time establishing long term relationships and finding someone who will be patient. At the same time, trust and safety are being built. Additionally, in platonic relationships, these attachment styles will also struggle because of their need to be dependent on others and lack of autonomy.
Our attachment style also directs how we will choose our partner. As our needs were not met by our caregivers, we may feel as if this is all we are worth and seek out partners who have similar attributes. Until we realize, we have needs such as those in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we will seek out partners, who will allow these needs to be met. Those who do not have a secure attachment style will act in ways which seem clingy or needy as they work towards finding safety and security. However, over time, these behaviours can become too much for their partner, and they begin to pull away. This dismissive nature by the partner, affirms the negative thoughts the anxious/preoccupied had regarding their relationship.
Despite seemingly perfect for relationships, secure attachment individuals can thrive in intimate relationships. However, the drawback is the mindset of being a strong and resilient person who can rescue someone who has had a strict upbringing and life. They may choose an anxious partner/preoccupied. However, the relationship can be detrimental as the securely attached will feed into the need to be rescued anxious/preoccupied, leading to a maladaptive relationship.
Relationships are complicated but noticing how we attach ourselves to others can indicate what we need to work on to have a healthy, satisfying and growing intimate relationship. Here are some additional blog posts on other interesting topics you may enjoy reading too. Read more about relationships, strengthening the bond and the cycle of abuse.
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