7 Types of Affairs: PART 1

{Part 1 includes the first 3 types of affairs.}

ONE NIGHT STAND AFFAIR
INTIMACY & CONFLICT AVOIDANCE AFFAIR (They avoid dealing with their issues.)
PHILANDERER AFFAIR (The Womanizer or Manizer)
ENTITLEMENT AFFAIR (Rockstars and Royalty)
SPLIT SELF AFFAIR or Romantic Affair (They can’t choose between their lover and spouse.)
EXIT AFFAIR (Out-the-door Affairs are doomed.)
SEXUAL ADDICTION AFFAIR (Obsessed with having sex at any costs.)

1. ONE NIGHT STAND AFFAIR

According to the Infidelity Recovery Institute (2018), a one night stand or (ONS), are accidental in how they take place. I believe that in my own words the best way to describe this is not to suggest that it was an accident because I don’t believe that it was accidental. I would suggest instead that it is unintentional which means that there is no intention initially to have an affair or that there is no premeditation towards having an affair.

The way an unintentional affair may take place in different ways. The Infidelity Institute states that, …”an accidental is that there was no real decision to cheat, no underlying marital problem that was causing a rift or other circumstances that caused a person who fell into the affair to be looking or seeking another person out for any reason whatsoever.”

A one night stand can be considered an impulsive and regrettable reaction.

An unplanned or impulsive decision to have an affair where two people may have gotten lost in the moment and there was no intention to have an affair. The environment or situation may lead to further risks of having an affair such as a business trip, or nights out with friends are a common place when these situations occur. with in the majority of cases a respective stranger. Other risk factors that may contribute to breaking down inhibitions or trying to get needs met. These risk factors include drugs or alcohol, low self esteem, need for freedom and need for emotional connection.

Most people who have a one night stand do want to stay married and do have fear or guilt about being caught. Often these types of affairs given the opportunity are related to a person with low self worth who enjoys the attention of someone they don’t know, to feel better about themselves and feel desirable and attractive.

A considerable drive towards infidelity may be curiosity and those who married young or are sexually inexperienced so become curious about sex with others. Most frequently it’s not about seeking out sexual relations but given the right conditions, timing, mistakes can be made and may be undesirable.

A good example of this could be a man who is married but hears his single friend discussing his one night stands. So the married man wonders is he missing out on something more exciting than what he already has currently in his long-standing marriage.

The one night stand affair, may attract a particularly dangerous, and repetitive or “serial” affairs type of person. It is possible to turn into an Addiction Affair Type. A key problem to this issue of spontaneous sexual connection can result in bringing STDs back to their spouse too.

Not preplanned/pre-meditated
No emotional involvement
Affair length – one night
Single or one off sexual experience
Recovery Chance – Very good
Worse Case Scenario if not treated – Can turn into another type of affair.

2. INTIMACY & CONFLICT AVOIDANCE AFFAIR

There is a high possibility of this difficult and often complicated affair type working out if both people are willing to work on changing what’s going wrong in the relationship by open discussion.

Frequently, most affairs fall in this category of avoidance affairs. There are certain themes that come up in this type of affair and that is if we are being completely honest you may suggest that it’s about not having sex enough, or feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner because there feels like there is always fighting or arguing.

According to the Infidelity Institute, that below the surface, is the truth that some people may not not to face or admit to themselves or others. In order, to be able to move forward through the pain of the betrayal the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse is required to understand why the affair took place.

To heal through these types of affairs only a trained professional can assist in helping you to connect how your childhood experiences have impacted your adult behaviour. There is a suggestion that there are particular characteristics of Conflict Avoiders:

Conflict Avoiders are nice and are afraid to be anything but nice to people and fear conflict will lead to feelings of abandonment or losing control. They may not be aware of how to stand up to their partners, in order to resolve their differences and the marriage may begin to breakdown.
Lifeless or predictable relationships are often at risk.
Conflict resolution were not learnt early on and so now conflict is avoided at all costs due to fear of failure and losing the marriage. This may mean that an individual’s genuine feeling are not shared and anger or resentment can begin to build up. People who are Conflict Avoiders become resentful, angry or bitter and they can’t understand why.
The person that they have an affair with is someone that they can be themselves with, without fear of judgement.
The real fear, may be the childhood wound which is the fear that the spouse rejects or abandons them if they don’t speak up.

Intimacy Avoiders Traits include feels from childhood around shame, abuse, abandonment, neglect; or those who have major attachment style injuries. Savannah Ellis, IRI Found indicates that, “Conflict becomes a safe way to avoid intimacy and therefore, ultimately, rejection.

3. PHILANDERER AFFAIR (The Womanizer or Manizer)

“What most wives don’t realize is that their husbands’ philandering has nothing whatever to do with them.” – Savannah Ellis, IRI

According to the Infidelity Recovery Institute the Philanderer Affair (2018) is defined as the following:

There is no emotional attachment to the affair partners – they are conquests.
Require a steady change of sexual partners. Only then can they “commit to one partner”/wife
Obsessed with gender – not gender equity
Sexist attitudes – “women exist to serve men”
Do not believe in Monogamy
Seduction is a part of their game
Humiliation does not come from the affair discovery, but from the change in the wife’s relationship power
There is no guilt from the affairs
They typically do not want a divorce – but for you to “fix” their spouse, so they can get back to Philandering
Philandering is an addictive behavior. Change must begin with the desire to want to change.
They will not be FORCED or CONTROLLED
Insecure
Many married Philanderers are also Bisexual, and lead a highly promiscuous sex life
Highly Manipulative
A Habitual Liar

Philanderer means “love” and a philanderer’s love never seems to stop. ie. “So many ladies, so little time…” This may be a motto of the typical philanderer, those womanizers that take on many brief affairs.

Philandering is mostly a male activity according to research. Someone who is a philanderer take up infidelity as a side hobby. The person who is the betrayer may have a rigid, concrete concept of gender traits; they are patriarchal, while they may attractive women who confirm their masculinity. They may or may not like women, and they definitely don’t seem them as equal, they see them as inferior. They view women as dangerous, cunning, see through them and assess a man’s value, to measure him and find him wanting to determine whether he is man enough.

These men may or may not like sex, but they use it compulsively to affirm their masculinity and overcome both their homophobia and their fear of women. They can be cruel, abusive, and even violent to women who try to get control of them and stop the philandering they consider crucial to their masculinity. Their life is centered around displays of masculinity, however they define it, trying to impress women with their physical strength, competitive victories, seductive skills, mastery of all situations, power, wealth, and, if necessary, violence. Some of them are quite charming and have no trouble finding women eager to be abused by them.

To men they may seem normal, but women experience them as narcissistic or even sociopathic. They think they are normal, that they are doing what every other real man would do if he weren’t such a wimp. The notions of marital fidelity, of gender equality, of honesty and intimacy between husbands and wives seem quite foreign from what they learned growing up. The gender equality of monogamy may not feel compatible to men steeped in patriarchal beliefs in men being gods and women being ribs. Monogamous sexuality is difficult for men who worship Madonnas for their sexlessness and berate Eves for their seductiveness.

Philanderers’ sexuality is fueled by anger and fear, and while they may be considered “sex addicts” they are really “gender compulsives” desperately doing whatever they think will make them look and feel most masculine. They put notches on their belts in hopes it will make their penises grow bigger. If they can get a woman to die for them, like opera composer Giacomo Puccini did in real life and in most of his operas, they feel like a real man.

Why Do Philanderer’s Do It?

Successful men often perceive that they are entitled to enjoy the fruits of their labor by taking advantage of the women who are enamored of them.

The common stereotype of the powerful man and the trophy woman is consistent with research findings across cultures and across time that men are attracted to beauty and youth, and women are attracted to power and resources.

These prominent men are captivated by opportunities for the conquest of beauty queens who scorned them when they were young, awkward, and starting their climb up the ladder.

Infidelity is a legacy carried down through the generations in families such as the Kennedys where the men are committed to family life but have affairs, and the women “stand by their men.”

Occupations which were prone to rampant infidelity as an industry standard before the advent of sexual harassment suits not only condoned extracurricular “fooling around” by married men but actually fostered “territorial amnesia” by providing women for hire at conventions.

I have heard a number of men try to diminish the impact of their infidelities by saying, “You shouldn’t be this upset. It didn’t mean a thing.” When the wife asks how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, the common response is, “I’d kill you, but I know you’d never do anything like that.” They inherently recognize that a wife’s affair is usually more threatening to the stability of the marriage because of the greater likelihood of an emotional involvement.

Many men and women in these situations are not willing to make such drastic changes, and if they did, they might be little basis left for the marriage.

Recovery and healing are possible if the philandering husband takes responsibility for his actions, is truthful about the full extent of his betrayal(s), is empathic about the pain he has caused, and is truly committed to a monogamous marriage. The motivation for change is often the destructive consequences of the behaviors or the pain caused to loved ones. Couples counseling is used to explore the causes, open the windows of honest communication, and rebuild the marriage.

To find out how we can help with an affair in your relationship, whether you are the betrayer or the betrayed, contact us now at admin@ovcs.ca

Author, A. (2018). Title of document [Format description]. Retrieved from https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-types/affair-type-3-philanderer-affair/