10 Ways To Build Better Boundaries
By Christina Fenske
Updated February 8, 2020
Good relationships can’t exactly exist in a healthy way without boundaries, even with your children or other family members. A boundary is where you draw the line in terms of what you deem okay or not okay. Everyone has their own bottom line and that is different for everyone. It’s important to live by what you say and what you will or won’t do or allow in your life.
Learning to say is critical to having good healthy boundaries with people. If you have difficulty saying no, let go of your need to please others, or are feeling pushed into a corner by someone who is demanding, controlling, criticizing, abusive, or even smothering you with kindness, it’s your responsibility to speak up for yourself. This is your right as a human-being.
Boundary Types
There are many different types of boundaries that you should be aware of and these are just a few of the following ones:
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries refer to and include your needs for your own personal space, being comfortable when you’re touched, and having your needs of safety, security, for food, rest, and water.
Don’t be afraid to disappointment other people if you have to say, “No!” to uncomfortable touching or if you require more space. It’s also okay to say that you’re hungry or tried. Take care of these needs before you start to cause physical stress and anxiety in your body. Value yourself so that you teach others to as well.
Having Healthy Physical Boundaries May Sound Like:
- “I am really tired. I need to sit down now.”
- “I am not wanting a hug. I am a handshake person.”
- “I need to eat. I am going to go grab something.”
- “I am allergic to [insert here], so we can’t have that in our home.”
- “No. I don’t want you to touch me like that.”
- “Don’t go into my room without asking first.”
A physical boundary can feel at times like being touched inappropriately, or any unwanted touching, or if you’re being denied your physical needs. ie. you’re told to keep walking when your clearly tired out, or your having someone in your personal space and feeling uncomfortable.
According to Dr. Gionta, “Having healthy boundaries means “knowing and understanding what your limits are.”
We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truths. ― Melody Beattie
2. Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries are all about respecting and honoring feelings and energy. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional information.
3. Time boundaries
Your time is valuable, and it is important to protect how it is utilized. Setting time boundaries is incredibly important at work, home, and socially. Setting time boundaries means understanding your priorities and setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without overcommitting. When you understand your priorities, it is much easier to limit the amount of time you are giving to other people.
4. Sexual boundaries
Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, agreement, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy.
Healthy sexual boundaries include:
- Asking for consent
- Discussing and asking for what pleases you
- Requesting condom use if you want it
- Discussing contraception
- Saying no to things that you do not like or that hurt you
- Protecting the privacy of the other person
5. Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts, ideas, and curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people, and they can be violated when your thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Respectfulness and willingness to dialogue and understand are important here.
Healthy intellectual boundaries also mean considering whether or not it is a good time to talk about something.
6. Material boundaries
Material boundaries refer to items and possessions like your home, car, clothing, jewelry, furniture, money, etc. It is healthy to understand what you can and cannot share and how you expect your items and materials to be treated by the people you share them with.
Having limits on how your material items are treated is healthy and prevents resentment over time.
This might sound like:
- “I can’t lend out my car. I am the only person on the insurance.”
- “We can’t give any more money. We would be happy to help in another way.”
- “Sure! I am happy to share my dress with you. Just a heads-up, I do need it back by Friday.”
Material boundaries are violated when your things are destroyed or stolen or when they are “borrowed” too frequently. Another material violation is the use of materials (money and possession
Below, we have included 10 ways to build better boundaries within your relationships.
1. Identify and name your limits by making them clear
Being clear about what your boundaries are ensures that you and others know where you stand on different things. Identify what your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limits are and enforce them if needed. Examining what you are able to tolerate and allow and what makes you feel stressed out or just uncomfortable. If you don’t know, how will others unless we communicate this with them. Feelings of discomfort can help us be clear about what we will tolerate and what we won’t.
2. Examine what your feeling
The key to knowing whether you are letting go of your boundaries too easily are two things:
- Discomfort
- Resentment
Gionta suggested, “thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone.”
“If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, ask yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?”
As we may or may not know resentment usually comes from the fear of being taken advantage of or used or not feeling appreciated. This is a clear and concrete sign that we’re sending ourselves too far beyond our own limits because we feel guilty, or another person is imposing their expectations, views or values on us.
3. Learn to be direct and assertive
There are some people that just push our boundaries and comfort levels but these may be the very individuals we need to maintain healthy boundaries with. Making them direct, and clear so there is little room for misunderstanding about what our boundaries are.
With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.
There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.
4. Giving yourself permission
Permission for what you may want to know. Well permission to be okay feeling fear, guilt, self-doubt and any other unhelpful feelings. There may be a fear that if we set a boundary with someone that they may be upset, angry or disown us. If we don’t speak up, this may keep us from living our own truth and by doing this we are dishonoring ourselves. We can feel guilty about standing up to or saying no to friends or family members and worry about how they may respond to us. There are beliefs that we may hold onto about being a good son or daughter which means doing what we’re told and not standing up for ourselves. But who ends up feeling disappointed, “You!” You may also wonder if you deserve to have boundaries and are worthy of having them in the first place. It may not be the most popular decision to say, “No!” but it’s your right as a person to live your truth.
Please Note: “Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.”
5. Develop improved self-awareness
Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”
6. Look at your past and present
How you were socialized growing up in your family and your role within your family can create additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caregiver, you learned to focus your care on others, at times maybe becoming burnt out yourself emotionally or physically. It can become the norm for you, and simply just easy for some to ignore their own needs and put those of others before them. This can in some cases lead to resentment of self and others.
Explore the relationships around you, are they healthy, is there a balance of give and take, or are you being taken advantage of?
7. Self-care is critical
Help yourself to make self-care a priority. This is not selfish contrary to popular belief. Give yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger.” Self-care also means acknowledging the significance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our well-being and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”
When we put ourselves first it gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”
8. Be supportive
Setting boundaries can be hard so remember to, “seek some support, whether it’s support group, church, counselling, coaching or just good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.”
9. Become assertive
Being assertive is hard and it may not be enough to just make boundaries with people; we need to follow through with them or they mean nothing.
10. Creating small manageable boundaries
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”
“Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support.” You can get good at this skill the more you work on it.
