Learn How To Become More Assertive
Want to improve your life? Becoming assertive may be the way to do that. It can be a far better way than being passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive. You will need to be able to do the following 10 tips if you want to become more assertive.
- Say it like it is.
- Own what you say.
- Walk the talk as well as talk the talk.
- Give praise.
- Accept compliments.
- Don’t make it personal.
- Say what you want rather than what you don’t want.
- Choose the right time.
- Choose the right place.
- Reward yourself.
Hayman’s book states, that we can boost our assertiveness in just 1,5, 10 mins by doing some if not all of these simple steps below. What does it mean… when we say it like it is.
Say it like it is. It’s critical to say what you’re feeling and thinking, this will help you learn to be more direct and specific. This is an alternative to, “Why do I always have to do everything…”, “You always…” or “Nobody ever listens to me!” You will learn instead to say, “You left the kitchen in a mess this morning so I’d like you to clear it up now”, and “When I asked you to finish that report you didn’t so I want you to do it now”. The reason it’s important to be clear and direct so that there is not only limited opportunity for miscommunication but so they know what you’re having challenges with, why you’re not happy, and what you would like done about it instead.
Own what you say. Frequently when people are not being assertive they often they will blame others for their feelings and needs not being met. It’s common to hear some people say, “Everyone is upset with you’, or “We would like…”, or “You don’t want to be doing that…”. When you own what you say, you use “I”. We’ll learn how to say “I’m upset and want to talk about this”, ” I would like you to…”, and “I would prefer you to do this…”. Once you own what you say, you get far more of what you need and want.
Walk the talk as well as talk the talk. Sometimes when we speak our words may only show a part of what we mean but our body language can say so much more. Does your body language match your words? Maybe look in a mirror as you speak sometime to see if your body language is consistent, matches and backs up your words. For example, telling someone that you are angry with them while showing a smile on your face. This may not get your message across in the same way, as crossing your arms and staring straight at the person, speaking too them in a firm voice might have.
Give praise. If you are interested in having influence over other people, for every time you have to pull them up for what they have done wrong, you need to find at least two situations to thank and praise them. We all want to get noticed and acknowledged for the positive things that we do, and when we are recognized we are more likely to repeat them. It’s unlikely that we are going to get people to do what we want by telling them off when they mess up. So try it with praise instead and you may have more influence over things.
Accept compliments. It can be difficult to say, “Thank you!” to someone after they have complimented us. It can be even more challenging to “own our own worth”, which mean when someone compliments us to accept it and say thank you, instead of saying, “Oh it was nothing” or “I didn’t do anything” or “This old rag”. Knowing your own worth is part of being more assertive.
Don’t make it personal. Whenever we are working with or dealing with other people it can be hard not to take what they say personally. If we are working on becoming more assertive though it is essential to look at the person’s behaviour that you may not like and wish would change, rather than the person themselves. So it’s best to say, “I’m upset with you didn’t wash up. I’d like you to do so now. ” This is more powerful and assertive than saying, “You lazy ass, why don’t you get up and do something for once.”
Say what you want, rather than what you don’t want. In the case of a child who didn’t get their homework done in time for class and received a bad mark. It would be helpful to say, ” I would like it if we spent some time tonight working on your homework before you go to the mall with your friends.” Rather than saying, ” Remember the last time you didn’t finish your homework in time for class and failed that assignment miserably?”
Choose the right time. If you pick a moment to discuss things when the children are tired or hungry to try and talk about who didn’t take the garbage out or why the kids haven’t done their chore with your partner this conversation may end up doomed to failure. Try to say, “We need to pick a time to discuss some things, when would work for you?” and agree to a time that works best for both of you. Doing it right before bed isn’t always the best time to have important discussions about “hot topics” (are things that are known to cause a fight in your relationship) either.
Choose the right place. Ensuring that you find a place to talk that is quiet, distraction-free, and without prying eyes of children is more practical than trying to have a sensitive or important conversation while the kids are screaming or in a busy work environment;etc.
*Quick note: Turn off your phone so that it doesn’t constantly beep or send you notifications which can be distracting. You can always pick up any messages or notifications later when your done your conversation.
Reward yourself. Reward, what do I mean by this? I mean…give yourself a pat on the back each time you use an assertive response. It’s not at all easy and it takes time to build a new habit but you can do it. I have faith in you. Keep at it even if you should mess up. Nothing in life is ever perfect so don’t try to be or you may create a whole new issue for yourself. (Haymen, 2010).
Hayman, S. (2010), Be More Assertive. (Hayman, 2010, p. 12).
